By Dr. Don Dafoe
Anthropologists tell us the handshake started when Neanderthals met and, instead of grunting menacingly at each other, showed their empty hands as if to say, “No weapon. Me. You. Friend?”
As they loosened up with grog at a caveman cocktail party, they began to clasp hands together and bounce them up-and-down in a gesture of primeval bro-ship.
The handshake can tell you a lot about a person.
Calloused hands or soft? You might surmise the former a wheelbarrow pusher and the latter a pencil pusher.
Crushing or gentle? Crushing may signal an upcoming machismo contest.
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Politicians employ the “hand hog” whereby the free hand is placed on top of the clasped hands to signal warmth. (Check for your wallet after.)
The overzealous “pump handle” goes on too long and is often accompanied by boisterous laughter and … spittle.
I have noticed the handshake between men can deteriorate into a fumble-fumble; that is, an awkward fumbling of the hands when greeting.
During the pandemic, the traditional handshake was replaced by the fist bump. (Fun fact: The fist bump is thought to have originated from the glove touch of boxers at the start of a match.)
Younger men use the soul brothers’ handshake whereby, the hands are cocked up, grasped around the thumb and palms pressed together. This gesture may be followed by a brief hug.
Now, when two men meet, one might go with the fist bump, the other go with the bro-handshake. After a clumsy regroup, each party adapts the other mode ending with fumble-fumble again.
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention what I will call the diss-handshake.
In this jokey version of manual greeting, the hand is extended then yanked up quickly into a side-of-the head, hair smoothing maneuver.
I think this sly put-down was popularized by, to use an old term, greasers.
The handshake between a man and a woman has always been problematic. Upon greeting a woman, some men nod and/or bow.
New England etiquette dictates no handshake unless the woman extends her hand first. I’ve heard that Texas women are offended if excluded from a traditional handshake.
At a fancy party, a European gentleman may say “Enchanté,” taking the woman’s proffered hand and leaning down as if to kiss the back of the hand. Lips should not actually touch the hand. This faux pas will identify the man as an unsanitary poseur (OK, enough French words).
How should we deal with the fumble-fumble?
Suppose we announce, “I am about to greet you with the traditional handshake?” Such a solution would be stilted and plain weird. Maybe, a preemptive “Fist bump coming!” would work.
In countries such as Italy, bilateral cheek kissing is practiced between the familiar by touching right cheeks together for an air-kiss then reversing sides. With practice, this greeting can be executed with aplomb.
If you get it wrong, the equivalent to fumble-fumble could be an accidental kiss on the lips. If that happens, step back and declare, “Fist bump coming!”
When Dr. Don Dafoe, of Highland Park, isn’t writing columns for fun, he keeps his hands steady in the operating room as a transplant surgeon.
