Grieving in Rainboots: Talking to Children After a Tragedy
By: Eve Wiley/Licensed Professional Counselor and Clinical Director at The Housson Center
In the aftermath of the devastating floods in Texas, many of us are grappling with a profound sense of loss. Lives were taken far too soon, homes, camps with generational memories were swept away, and communities were left clinging to their shattered towns.
For adults the grief is heavy, but for children it’s confusing, scary, and often silent. As adults, we have words to process and dialogue about our feelings and experiences. A child’s language is play, and it does not readily equip them to articulate experiences of tragedy and profound loss. Over the past few days, I have been asked the same questions repeatedly, “What do I say to my child? They lost their friend/family,” “We weren’t there but all of their friends are talking about it — what do I say?,” “My child doesn’t want to go to camp now — what do I do?,” “My child was at a different camp and feels guilty about feeling sad and being safe — what do I do?”
As parents, we may be plagued with a deep fear of saying something wrong, not saying enough, making it worse, or exposing our child to a greater level of pain and grief. We live in a world inundated with information. The instinct to protect our children may be fierce, but we cannot protect them from hearing about the tragedy. It is far better for your child to hear about this from you than from peers who may not have all the information, or to overhear an adult talking about this with no one to answer questions. Here’s a therapist’s recommendation on how to talk to our children about a tragedy.
- Keep it short, with as few words as possible. Children process grief differently.
- Follow their lead and do not force them to talk about it.
- Stick to the age-appropriate facts.
- Avoid phrases like “they passed away” or “they will always be watching over you.”
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Script: If you lost a friend or family
“I have something very sad to tell you. You know the floods that happened this week? (Name) was in the flood and they died. I’m so sorry. We loved her so much and we love you. I’m here to answer any questions.”
Script: If you didn’t know someone affected directly
“I want to talk to you about something you will probably hear your friends and adults talk about — the floods that happened in Texas. A lot of rain came very quickly, and a flood happened. A lot of people lost their homes, and several summer camps with kids were affected. Some were hurt, and some died. Even though we didn’t know them personally, it’s okay to feel sad or confused when we hear about a tragedy like this.”
Script: My child doesn’t want to go to camp now — what do I say?
“I understand that going to camp may feel a little scary right now. This tragedy can make the world feel a little less safe, even though where you are going is safe. It’s important to know that what happened is very rare. The people at camp work really hard to keep everyone safe. It’s okay feel what you’re feeling and I’m here to answer any questions and listen. Do you want to talk more about what is worrying you? Would it be helpful for you to learn more about the lakes and rivers around the camp you’re going to? (this is where you would reinforce the flood prevention in the area, messaging systems, controlled level lake, etc.)
Script: My child was at a different camp and was also affected, but not like Camp Mystic — Survivors Guilt:
“I’ve heard people say things like ‘At least you’re okay’ or ‘You should be thankful you survived,’ and I want you to know that it’s okay if that doesn’t feel comforting to hear. What happened was really scary for everyone. You might feel confused, sad, angry, or even guilty — your feelings are all real and important. Sometimes people say things because they don’t know what else to say.”
As parents, we aren’t just managing clean up. We are managing emotions. Yours. Your child’s. Maybe even others’. And underneath it all sits our own grief. It’s hard to find the words, but we don’t have to be the strong ones all of the time. We are allowed to feel overwhelmed, to fall apart, to ask for help, and to not have the words. Our children need our presence — take my words and phrases for when you feel stuck.
- “It’s okay to feel really sad, scared, or even confused right now.”
- “You don’t have to hold it all inside — I’m here with you.”
- “Your feelings make sense.”
- “Right now you are safe; I am here.”
- “You can ask me questions. I may not have the answers, but I will listen.”
We weren’t meant to make sense of a tragedy; we were meant to sit with each other in it.
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