As the community mourns those impacted by the floods, strength found in shared sorrow and the deep compassion rising from it endures. In the aftermath of a tragedy, many families struggle to find the right words for their children.
The Park Counseling‘s Jennifer Kennedy, a licensed professional counselor with more than 25 years of experience working with children and pre-teens, emphasizes the importance of open, age-appropriate conversations. She provides the following guide for parents navigating the complexities of helping their children cope with grief and loss.
How do children of different ages typically process grief and loss? Grief affects children differently depending on their age and developmental stage. One common response across all ages — especially after a sudden or traumatic loss — is brain fog. The brain and body are working overtime to process what happened, making it hard to answer simple questions or make decisions.
Young Children (Ages 5 and under): Grieve primarily through play. They may reenact the loss or elements of it in their play, which is normal and healthy. Adults can support them by joining their play gently and being present.
Early Elementary (Ages 6–9): These children are beginning to grasp the concept of death but may not understand its permanence. Grief often shows up in intense emotional outbursts — like anger or sadness over everyday tasks (e.g., taking a bath or eating a snack). They may express big feelings in short, sudden bursts. Kids grieve in the middle of daily life; it takes them by surprise and parents too.
Preteens (Ages 10–12): Understand that death is permanent and inevitable. They may feel sadness, anger, guilt, or fear and often need help naming and expressing those emotions. Their grief may look more internal and reflective.
Teenagers: Teens fully understand death but may suppress their grief or express it through risk-taking, withdrawal, or intense emotional swings. Connection with peers is especially important at this stage—teens may open up more in group settings or when talking with friends. This can be challenging if they are scattered from the friends that also experienced the grief event. Try to find ways to help them connect. Older teens may also feel pressure to support grieving adults, which can cause them to hold back their own feelings. Parents should model emotional regulation and self-care, so teens don’t feel like they need to “take care” of them.
Is it OK to let them attend vigils or memorial services if they ask to? Absolutely. If a child asks to attend a memorial service or vigil, it’s OKto let them. If they don’t want to go, that’s also OK. Children have an intuitive sense of what they need. Parents sometimes worry about doing the “right” thing, but with a grieving child, there isn’t one right way. The most important thing is to meet them where they are, moment by moment.
What should parents do if their child doesn’t want to talk about it at all? If a child isn’t ready to talk, the best approach is to be patient and gently present. Let them know you’re available without pressuring them to open up. Staying emotionally available and connected, even in silence, helps them feel safe.
Some kids process grief better through activity. Try going for a walk, shooting hoops, or cooking together — these can offer safe spaces for expression without the pressure of direct conversation. If they’re quiet, acknowledge it with empathy: “I know you’re not ready to talk, and that’s okay. I’m here when you are.”
How can parents check in with their child over time without pushing too much? Kids often communicate through behavior more than words. Watch for changes in their body language, expressions, eating, and sleeping patterns. If something seems off, gently name it: “You seem a little quiet today — just know I’m here if you want to talk.”
For older children or teens, you can ask about how their friends are coping—this often prompts them to share about themselves more comfortably. Also, remember to:
• Validate all emotions, including confusion or numbness.
• Revisit the topic periodically — grief isn’t linear, and feelings can resurface or evolve.
• The goal is to stay emotionally available and connected over time.
How can parents tell the difference between normal grieving and when professional help is needed? Trust your instincts as a parent. If you feel something is off, or if your child’s grief seems to be interfering with their daily functioning, don’t hesitate to reach out for help — especially if symptoms persist longer than 3 to 6 months.
Signs of Normal Grief:
• Emotional ups and downs that gradually improve
• Sadness, anger, or confusion that comes and goes
• Temporary disruptions to sleep, appetite, or behavior
• Still engaging in play, school, or friendships, even at a reduced level
Signs That May Require Professional Support:
• Grief that worsens or doesn’t ease over time
• Persistent withdrawal or isolation
• Hopelessness, deep guilt, or low self-worth
• Ongoing physical complaints with no medical cause
• Self-harm, talk of death, or suicidal thoughts
• Inability to function at school, home, or socially
How can I recognize if my child is internalizing their feelings in a harmful way? What kinds of behaviors are normal during grief—and what should raise concern? Normal grief behaviors are generally short-term, tend to ease with support and routine, and may include:
• Temporary changes in sleep or appetite
• Mood swings, irritability, or clinginess
• Trouble concentrating or seeming “foggy”
• Regressive behaviors (e.g., bedwetting, thumb-sucking)
• Repeatedly asking about death or what happened.
Signs of harmful internalization warrant professional support and may include:
• Ongoing withdrawal from loved ones or activities they enjoy
• Persistent sadness, numbness, or lack of emotional response
• Frequent unexplained physical complaints (headaches, stomachaches)
• Intense guilt, self-blame, or feelings of being responsible for the loss
• Risk-taking, aggression, or signs of self-harm
• Talking about wanting to die or be with the person who died.
Are there grounding or calming techniques that work well for kids dealing with trauma or grief? Yes. Grounding and calming techniques help children regulate overwhelming emotions and create a sense of safety. These tools work best when practiced regularly — not just in times of distress.
Grounding Techniques: This brings attention to the present moment.
5-4-3-2-1 Senses Game: Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste.
Comfort Object Grounding: Let the child hold a familiar object (a stuffed animal, rock, or fidget) and describe how it feels.
Body Awareness: Encourage them to press their feet to the floor, stretch, or wiggle their toes—anything to bring awareness back to the body.
Calming Techniques: Helps calm the nervous system
Deep Belly Breathing: Place a hand (or a stuffed animal) on their belly and breathe slowly: in for 4, hold for 2, out for 4.
Blowing Bubbles or Pinwheels: Promotes controlled breathing in a playful, low-pressure way.
Drawing or Coloring: Offers a nonverbal outlet for emotion and helps calm the nervous system.
Healing Activity: Make a Memory Box or Book: If they lost a friend, give them a tangible way to remember by making a Memory box or book. Include photos, write stories, add toys or any other items that hold special memories of their friend.
Kennedy recommends that adults and caregivers be gentle with themselves and make space to do individual emotional work. Children pick up far more than we realize, said Kennedy, and they often mirror the way the adults around them cope. It’s healthy to share your feelings with your kids but try not to process those feelings in front of them.
“Children need space to talk, to ask questions, and to feel heard,” noted Kennedy, adding, “Being present with them — listening, validating their emotions, and offering reassurance is one of the most powerful things a parent can do. If grief feels overwhelming or isolating, a therapist can help your child cope in healthy, supportive ways.”
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