Stick to What You Know

I admit it, “COVID me” is not amorous, and my husband has noticed.

In what I can only imagine was a cry for help, he turned to someone else, or should I say something else, for romantic advice.

His source, his Deep Throat – The Wall Street Journal.

You read that right, the newspaper for buttoned-up boardroom types. The daily that drips about mutual funds, emerging markets, and ETF’s. The paper that peppers its pages with names like Yellen, Powell, and Bezos more than teen girls prattle about Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe.

His flirty affair with the WSJ revealed itself in an article he placed on our kitchen counter last December. The title was unambiguous, “Can we make sex fun again?”

The point was simple. The pandemic challenged our immune system and suppressed our sex drive. According to the science, sex relieves stress and, in turn, makes us happy. The column listed ways to improve lockdown love.

“That day, for the sake of my marriage, I ordered a corset on Amazon.”

First on the list of lustful lures was ditching the pandemic sweats and ponytail. The writer also encouraged new tryst toys and varying home locales for ravenous rendezvous. That night I wore makeup for our Door Dash dinner and scoped out new nooky nooks.

Then, in late spring, like a cult recruiter, my husband again handed me the WSJ and simultaneously asked if I would consider wearing a corset. What? A corset, like the one Scarlett wore? The story featured photos of the latest trend of designer corsets, full coverage corsets, and comfortable corsets.

I wondered if the editors of the WSJ knew about these articles. How can anyone be expected to read about SPAC’s and double-dip financing on Page One and improved sex on Page Two? I told my husband to cancel our subscription.

But it nagged at me. Why had my darling turned to the WSJ for love lessons? Why didn’t he watch Outlander or Bridgerton for helpful hints, like I did? Back then, those saucy sorts had managed to keep it real during plagues, wars, and scandals.

Then, the revelation came. The women of yesteryear wore corsets! And, if they lived and loved in garments that made the bad parts smaller and the good parts bigger, why couldn’t I? Was the WSJ right? That day, for the sake of my marriage, I ordered a corset on Amazon.

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Michele Valdez

Michele Valdez, a slightly compulsive, mildly angry feminist, has been an attorney, volunteer, and The Mad Housewife columnist. She has four demanding adult children and a patient husband.

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